I didn't. As a child my biggest dream was to be a mom, just like my mom. I knew I wanted children. That was as far as I could or would allow myself to dream. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. There was no grand plan for myself.
Even after my first child was born and I was a mom I had no idea what my future would or should look like. I just lived each day. I felt like I was wandering. Even after getting married and having two more children I didn't have that dream of my future. I started college in accounting, which I really enjoyed and was able to see a possible future for myself in an accounting career, but I still saw no real future in my life. I could no envision where I would live or what it would look like 5 years down the road. I still felt so...lost.
Going through this divorce process and finally finding myself has really opened my eyes to the fact that I never really could dream about my future because I had no idea who I was! How can you plan a future when you don't even know where are at right now? I did not know how to dream for myself. I was always busy trying to accomplish another person's dream of who I should be. I needed to make more money, which meant I needed a degree and a career. I needed to be a better mom, so I needed to quit my job and stay home while going to school. These decisions weren't horrible. I loved being at home with my kids, and I love learning so school was awesome. However, I didn't feel like the decisions were mine. As a stay at home mom I felt I needed to bring in extra income. So I tried selling Pampered Chef and Thirty-One. Doing the at-home parties just wasn't my thing. I was so uncomfortable. I made these decisions to make more money because I was told I needed to. I believed that I wasn't enough on my own. These ideas may have seemed to be mine, but in the end I was feeling like I had to live up to someone's idea of what and who I should be instead of figuring it out for myself.
After I left, I made it my mission to really discover who I am, what I enjoy doing, where my passions lie. I allowed myself to reflect on the things I have tried, the things I have failed at. I have found my passion. I have tried new things, some I liked, some I didn't. But in finding myself I have finally been able to really dream about my future and what that might look like. I know that there will be hard times, there are always are. But now I know what I actually want out of my life. I feel like I finally have a direction. Now that I have these ideas and plans for my future I can start planning my day to day life to achieve those goals. Part of dreaming is taking action to achieve those dreams. So as I go forward I am tracking everything I do in a day so that I can achieve it. I will go into more depth on my goals and what my future looks like in later posts as this one is getting long, but I am finally excited about my life! I look forward to each new day because it takes me closer to where I want to be. I know that what I do today is important, but I also know now the importance of dreaming. And I am dreaming big these days.
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