Dream Big

Do you dream about your future? Do you have plans for yourself 5 or 10 years down the road? Do you know exactly where you want to be?

I didn't. As a child my biggest dream was to be a mom, just like my mom. I knew I wanted children. That was as far as I could or would allow myself to dream. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. There was no grand plan for myself.

Even after my first child was born and I was a mom I had no idea what my future would or should look like. I just lived each day. I felt like I was wandering. Even after getting married and having two more children I didn't have that dream of my future. I started college in accounting, which I really enjoyed and was able to see a possible future for myself in an accounting career, but I still saw no real future in my life. I could no envision where I would live or what it would look like 5 years down the road. I still felt so...lost.

Going through this divorce process and finally finding myself has really opened my eyes to the fact that I never really could dream about my future because I had no idea who I was! How can you plan a future when you don't even know where are at right now? I did not know how to dream for myself. I was always busy trying to accomplish another person's dream of who I should be. I needed to make more money, which meant I needed a degree and a career. I needed to be a better mom, so I needed to quit my job and stay home while going to school. These decisions weren't horrible. I loved being at home with my kids, and I love learning so school was awesome. However, I didn't feel like the decisions were mine. As a stay at home mom I felt I needed to bring in extra income. So I tried selling Pampered Chef and Thirty-One. Doing the at-home parties just wasn't my thing. I was so uncomfortable. I made these decisions to make more money because I was told I needed to. I believed that I wasn't enough on my own. These ideas may have seemed to be mine, but in the end I was feeling like I had to live up to someone's idea of what and who I should be instead of figuring it out for myself.

After I left, I made it my mission to really discover who I am, what I enjoy doing, where my passions lie. I allowed myself to reflect on the things I have tried, the things I have failed at. I have found my passion. I have tried new things, some I liked, some I didn't. But in finding myself I have finally been able to really dream about my future and what that might look like. I know that there will be hard times, there are always are. But now I know what I actually want out of my life. I feel like I finally have a direction. Now that I have these ideas and plans for my future I can start planning my day to day life to achieve those goals. Part of dreaming is taking action to achieve those dreams. So as I go forward I am tracking everything I do in a day so that I can achieve it. I will go into more depth on my goals and what my future looks like in later posts as this one is getting long, but I am finally excited about my life! I look forward to each new day because it takes me closer to where I want to be. I know that what I do today is important, but I also know now the importance of dreaming. And I am dreaming big these days.

All New Weights

Before I got pregnant with my oldest (11 years ago!!) I weight around the 120s. I was starting out in school, so I didn't actually have a scale, but I was around my thinnest at that time (although definitely not healthiest!). I began school in the January semester, and found out I was pregnant halfway through February. Stepping on the scale at the doctor's office showed that I was already over 140 pounds. I had gone from 120s to 140s in 6 short weeks.

After I had her, I "tried" to lose the weight. I actually remember doing Slim in 6 with my mom, but we gave up about 2 weeks into it. I just didn't have the desire to actually do it. I lost a lot of the pregnancy weight and was down in the 150s for a bit, but never got back to the 140s until recently (you can ready about my birthday goal here). Since this is the first time since 2003 that I saw the 140s on the scale, that means I still had never seen the 130s. I sailed right past those numbers in 6 weeks. To me, getting down to that weight was something of a pipe-dream. Even now since working out almost daily since the beginning of May and making it my priority to reach my goal of 120 this year, I still wondered what it would be like to really see that on the scale.

Yesterday I woke up to find this number:

I honestly don't really "feel" any different, but I am super excited to be that much closer to my goal! I am happy to be able to say that I am at my lowest weight in my "adult" life. But what I am even prouder to say is that I am at the healthiest I have ever been in my entire life. I feel strong, even when I am under the weather like I had been this last week, I am feeling better than I have in...well forever! I have energy to do things I couldn't before. I have the desire to try new things that I never thought possible before! I am becoming more and more passionate about coaching and helping other people to achieve what I am well on my way to achieving. There really is nothing like it!

I have one full week of PiYo left before starting one more round of 21 Day Fix. After that I am starting a new program (to me) called Focus T25. I am really excited about it! I had planned that one to be my second program and I have it sitting just waiting for me to start it. Then PiYo came out and I had to try that first. I am so glad I did! I love everything about PiYo and what it has been doing for me. I think I will do T25 on its own and then combine the two once I have reached my goal weight.

I know that as I get closer to my goal weight that it is going to get tougher to reach it. That's just the way it works. I also know that there is the possibility that I won't ever reach it. My goal weight for the longest time was 125. I had the number stuck in the back of my brain for years. I recently changed it to reach 120. This may not be obtainable as I am gaining muscle as I am losing weight. I may get around 130 (which is still a healthy weight according to BMI charts for my short height of 5'2") but looked a lot thinner. It's totally possible that getting to my goal weight would be unhealthy. So as I get closer there will be some assessment on my end to figure out what is healthy and what feels right. I look forward to finally not being in "weight loss" mode and just living. I know that it will always be a struggle, but I also know that I have all the right tools at my disposal. I have no desire to go back to the way I was before. I want to continue this lifestyle long after I reach my goal because I believe it is the healthy way to be!

Energy

Last week I was putting all of my energy in the wrong direction. I was still eating right and working out every day, so that kind of energy was on the right track. I am referring to my mental energy.

I was so focused on all the "stuff" I need to get done in order to be where I want to be rather than on just putting energy into doing the stuff that needed to be done. I became overwhelmed and felt defeated before I even tried! My dream is to create a team of people that are passionate about helping people achieve their health and fitness goals. I want to be able to make a difference. There are so many things I feel like I need to be doing, but the sheer volume of things I can be doing becomes suffocating. So rather than stepping back and prioritizing what I should do first I became upset that I couldn't do it all.

On top of that, finances are always difficult. I find that whenever I take a couple steps forward in becoming debt free that I end up taking three steps backwards. There is always something that comes up that makes me feel as though I will never get ahead. I began to feel defeated in this area as well.

All the negative energy I was feeding myself started to show up in how I felt during the day. I was exhausted, physically and mentally. I felt that I couldn't really achieve what I wanted in life, but I was still willing to try. Only it was more half-hearted at that point. I wouldn't say I felt depressed, just afraid that this is going to be the way things are for the rest of my life. I don't want to feel defeated anymore. I know that I can lead an awesome team of people. And I know that I can be successful if I put my mind to it. I just have to change the energy I feed myself.

I have been getting up earlier in the morning to get some reading done. I read a few chapters in my Bible (looking for good devotional recommendations please!!) and I am currently reading "not a fan" by Kyle Idleman which has been very thought provoking and causing a bit (ok so a lot) of soul searching! This has been helping me over the past couple of days. I know that I need to let go and let God, but that can be very hard for me sometimes! Really allowing myself to focus on Him and His plans for me in the morning gives me a great start to my day. My thoughts are positive going into the rest of my day.

The way think has a very profound effect on your life. The thoughts you think about yourself shape who you are. The thoughts about your life shape what your life will be. Whether this is negative or positive. This doesn't mean that if you think positive things about your life that it will rainbows and unicorns and that you will suddenly be a millionaire. What it means is that your perspective changes, and where you once saw famine you can now see feast. I know that I much prefer to see the positive side of my life than the negative. It has a much brighter future!