Dream Big

Do you dream about your future? Do you have plans for yourself 5 or 10 years down the road? Do you know exactly where you want to be?

I didn't. As a child my biggest dream was to be a mom, just like my mom. I knew I wanted children. That was as far as I could or would allow myself to dream. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. There was no grand plan for myself.

Even after my first child was born and I was a mom I had no idea what my future would or should look like. I just lived each day. I felt like I was wandering. Even after getting married and having two more children I didn't have that dream of my future. I started college in accounting, which I really enjoyed and was able to see a possible future for myself in an accounting career, but I still saw no real future in my life. I could no envision where I would live or what it would look like 5 years down the road. I still felt so...lost.

Going through this divorce process and finally finding myself has really opened my eyes to the fact that I never really could dream about my future because I had no idea who I was! How can you plan a future when you don't even know where are at right now? I did not know how to dream for myself. I was always busy trying to accomplish another person's dream of who I should be. I needed to make more money, which meant I needed a degree and a career. I needed to be a better mom, so I needed to quit my job and stay home while going to school. These decisions weren't horrible. I loved being at home with my kids, and I love learning so school was awesome. However, I didn't feel like the decisions were mine. As a stay at home mom I felt I needed to bring in extra income. So I tried selling Pampered Chef and Thirty-One. Doing the at-home parties just wasn't my thing. I was so uncomfortable. I made these decisions to make more money because I was told I needed to. I believed that I wasn't enough on my own. These ideas may have seemed to be mine, but in the end I was feeling like I had to live up to someone's idea of what and who I should be instead of figuring it out for myself.

After I left, I made it my mission to really discover who I am, what I enjoy doing, where my passions lie. I allowed myself to reflect on the things I have tried, the things I have failed at. I have found my passion. I have tried new things, some I liked, some I didn't. But in finding myself I have finally been able to really dream about my future and what that might look like. I know that there will be hard times, there are always are. But now I know what I actually want out of my life. I feel like I finally have a direction. Now that I have these ideas and plans for my future I can start planning my day to day life to achieve those goals. Part of dreaming is taking action to achieve those dreams. So as I go forward I am tracking everything I do in a day so that I can achieve it. I will go into more depth on my goals and what my future looks like in later posts as this one is getting long, but I am finally excited about my life! I look forward to each new day because it takes me closer to where I want to be. I know that what I do today is important, but I also know now the importance of dreaming. And I am dreaming big these days.

All New Weights

Before I got pregnant with my oldest (11 years ago!!) I weight around the 120s. I was starting out in school, so I didn't actually have a scale, but I was around my thinnest at that time (although definitely not healthiest!). I began school in the January semester, and found out I was pregnant halfway through February. Stepping on the scale at the doctor's office showed that I was already over 140 pounds. I had gone from 120s to 140s in 6 short weeks.

After I had her, I "tried" to lose the weight. I actually remember doing Slim in 6 with my mom, but we gave up about 2 weeks into it. I just didn't have the desire to actually do it. I lost a lot of the pregnancy weight and was down in the 150s for a bit, but never got back to the 140s until recently (you can ready about my birthday goal here). Since this is the first time since 2003 that I saw the 140s on the scale, that means I still had never seen the 130s. I sailed right past those numbers in 6 weeks. To me, getting down to that weight was something of a pipe-dream. Even now since working out almost daily since the beginning of May and making it my priority to reach my goal of 120 this year, I still wondered what it would be like to really see that on the scale.

Yesterday I woke up to find this number:

I honestly don't really "feel" any different, but I am super excited to be that much closer to my goal! I am happy to be able to say that I am at my lowest weight in my "adult" life. But what I am even prouder to say is that I am at the healthiest I have ever been in my entire life. I feel strong, even when I am under the weather like I had been this last week, I am feeling better than I have in...well forever! I have energy to do things I couldn't before. I have the desire to try new things that I never thought possible before! I am becoming more and more passionate about coaching and helping other people to achieve what I am well on my way to achieving. There really is nothing like it!

I have one full week of PiYo left before starting one more round of 21 Day Fix. After that I am starting a new program (to me) called Focus T25. I am really excited about it! I had planned that one to be my second program and I have it sitting just waiting for me to start it. Then PiYo came out and I had to try that first. I am so glad I did! I love everything about PiYo and what it has been doing for me. I think I will do T25 on its own and then combine the two once I have reached my goal weight.

I know that as I get closer to my goal weight that it is going to get tougher to reach it. That's just the way it works. I also know that there is the possibility that I won't ever reach it. My goal weight for the longest time was 125. I had the number stuck in the back of my brain for years. I recently changed it to reach 120. This may not be obtainable as I am gaining muscle as I am losing weight. I may get around 130 (which is still a healthy weight according to BMI charts for my short height of 5'2") but looked a lot thinner. It's totally possible that getting to my goal weight would be unhealthy. So as I get closer there will be some assessment on my end to figure out what is healthy and what feels right. I look forward to finally not being in "weight loss" mode and just living. I know that it will always be a struggle, but I also know that I have all the right tools at my disposal. I have no desire to go back to the way I was before. I want to continue this lifestyle long after I reach my goal because I believe it is the healthy way to be!

Energy

Last week I was putting all of my energy in the wrong direction. I was still eating right and working out every day, so that kind of energy was on the right track. I am referring to my mental energy.

I was so focused on all the "stuff" I need to get done in order to be where I want to be rather than on just putting energy into doing the stuff that needed to be done. I became overwhelmed and felt defeated before I even tried! My dream is to create a team of people that are passionate about helping people achieve their health and fitness goals. I want to be able to make a difference. There are so many things I feel like I need to be doing, but the sheer volume of things I can be doing becomes suffocating. So rather than stepping back and prioritizing what I should do first I became upset that I couldn't do it all.

On top of that, finances are always difficult. I find that whenever I take a couple steps forward in becoming debt free that I end up taking three steps backwards. There is always something that comes up that makes me feel as though I will never get ahead. I began to feel defeated in this area as well.

All the negative energy I was feeding myself started to show up in how I felt during the day. I was exhausted, physically and mentally. I felt that I couldn't really achieve what I wanted in life, but I was still willing to try. Only it was more half-hearted at that point. I wouldn't say I felt depressed, just afraid that this is going to be the way things are for the rest of my life. I don't want to feel defeated anymore. I know that I can lead an awesome team of people. And I know that I can be successful if I put my mind to it. I just have to change the energy I feed myself.

I have been getting up earlier in the morning to get some reading done. I read a few chapters in my Bible (looking for good devotional recommendations please!!) and I am currently reading "not a fan" by Kyle Idleman which has been very thought provoking and causing a bit (ok so a lot) of soul searching! This has been helping me over the past couple of days. I know that I need to let go and let God, but that can be very hard for me sometimes! Really allowing myself to focus on Him and His plans for me in the morning gives me a great start to my day. My thoughts are positive going into the rest of my day.

The way think has a very profound effect on your life. The thoughts you think about yourself shape who you are. The thoughts about your life shape what your life will be. Whether this is negative or positive. This doesn't mean that if you think positive things about your life that it will rainbows and unicorns and that you will suddenly be a millionaire. What it means is that your perspective changes, and where you once saw famine you can now see feast. I know that I much prefer to see the positive side of my life than the negative. It has a much brighter future!

3 Day Refresh Results

I don't do moderation well. I know this about myself which is why I typically just say no to the foods that are my triggers (pizza, chocolate, and chips with salsa). Doing the 21 Day Fix was awesome because it really helped me to dial in and focus on eating healthy. I stuck to the eating plan pretty much to a T. I wasn't always perfect, sometimes leaving a container out for the day instead of eating them all (which is just as bad for you as eating extra!). I would have a glass of wine or two on the weekend, but even this was allowed in the plan. I was doing great! Then I started having people tell me that I needed to "treat" myself or I would end up binging at some point. I told them that I know myself well enough to know that if I allow those things back in that I have a hard time stopping. But people insisted it was ok to indulge every once in awhile.

So over the 4th of July weekend I had chips. Way too many chips. I also had ribs and hashbrowns. All these things are not bad on their own, but in one weekend it was too much. It was no big deal, I would get back on track on Monday when I got back. Which I did! But then I started to "treat" myself more and more. I didn't really go crazy. I didn't binge at any point in time, but the old ideas and habits were slowing beginning to creep in. It's ok to have this, you worked out hard today so you "deserve" it. I hate that mentality, but we are so trained to think we need to reward ourselves with food.

During July, Beachbody launched their new 3 Day Refresh and I was dying to try it! I knew that it would help get me back on track and I really didn't want to fall completely off the wagon. So as soon as I could, I ordered mine. As soon as it arrived I read through the booklet and made my grocery list for the next three days. I was committed to doing this all the way!

So a little about the cleanse...It is only for 3 days (you can do anything for 3 days, right?) and you get a Shakeology shake for breakfast, a Fiber Sweep shake for a snack, a Vanilla Fresh shake for lunch and dinner as well as plenty of fruits and veggies for snacks and with your meals. This isn't a starve yourself thin kind of thing.

I will totally honest here. The first morning I woke up excited and did my workout, then had my shake. If you know me personally at all, you know that I LOVE me my coffee....and for the best results they say not to drink it. Since I was committing 100% to this, I gave up my precious coffee and had tea instead. I was utterly exhausted the first day. I was full after each meal. I was just tired! I took a nap in my car over my lunch break and went to bed early that night. Day 2 was MUCH better for me. I had more energy and was not really hungry at all. Day 3 was AMAZING! I had great energy and got my workout in that morning. I wasn't dragging, and I had to set a timer after my snack in the morning because I kept forgetting I needed to eat. I just wasn't hungry! The shakes and veggies were more than enough to fill me up! And for those that have done fiber cleanses before and are wondering about *ahem* bathroom issues....there were NONE! :)

It has been two days since I completed my Refresh and the weight I lost (I will get to that!) is still gone. I have only had about 1/2 a cup of coffee and my energy levels are way higher than before. I feel amazing! The Refresh is for those that want to clean up their eating, kick start their weight loss, or to keep themselves on track every once in a while. I think I will be doing this quarterly just to clean myself out of all the toxins and crap in my body. It is just a great way to revitalize yourself!

So my results....I lost 3.8 pounds in my 3 days, and I lost 3 inches. Most people I know that have done it lost their inches off their waist. I lost a bit off my waist and hips, but lost 3/4 of an inch of each thigh! I am really excited about my progress and how far I have come. I am officially down to 142.2 pounds and so close to seeing numbers I have never seen before on the scale. I am also fitter and stronger than I have EVER been in my entire life. This is what makes me proudest of all!

Results after just 3 weeks!

I was planning to wait until I was halfway through the PiYo program before taking pictures or measurements and posting about it. But the other morning I was getting dressed to workout and I was wearing the same thing I did for my pictures and was so astounded by my transformation in just 3 weeks so I had to do a sneak peek of my results. I will do an "official" picture and results next week, but here is a peek at what I have accomplished so far (sorry, I know the second pic is blurry!):

This is 7 pounds in 3 weeks! But it is so much more than just weight that is gone! I am so excited to see where I am doing to be at the end of 8 weeks! I am still keeping my eating in line with the 21 Day Fix program because it is just so much easier for me now. I love not counting calories and weighing my food. I love being able to just use the containers and not have to really think too much about it, and honestly the plans are so similar that there wouldn't have been much of a change for me anyway.

PiYo has allowed me to get back to running. I am now have a running buddy on Monday's which makes it go by so much faster! We have been doing 4 miles each time we run together, and I am LOVING it! I used to run because I loved the "high" I got after. I actually hated running in and of itself. Now I am absolutely enjoying each run. I can feel the strength in my legs! I am impressed each time I run with how much my endurance has improved. It's an amazing feeling!

I also got my FREE 21 Day Fix t-shirt for completing the program!

It fits great! I ordered a small and I can't wait to wear it proudly! I think I'm going to wear it tomorrow :)

In other news, my wonderful and beautiful children were featured in local newspaper about their participation in Dojo Karate! They were so excited to hear that they were going to be in the paper! So of course I had to take a new picture of them! They are all three in karate now. N is a red belt, E is a green belt, and S is just beginning in the Mighty Tiger program and just graduate to his first belt which is a Gold Stripe belt. He was so proud of himself! I love that they enjoy karate and I look forward to the day that I can be right there with them earning my black belt too!

I am crazy proud of my little family and how having a healthy, positive lifestyle is making a difference in my kids' lives too. N doesn't ever want to eat McDonald's again and they are all preferring to eat the healthier foods over the junk food now. When my kids ask to eat their veggies it just makes my heart smile because I know I am doing something right!

So apparently this post is a mish-mash of everything since it's been too long since I posted. Eventually I will get a schedule worked out and they will be a bit more organized....someday! But until then, here's just my little update :)

A New Challenge

I can't believe how quickly time goes by! I have been so busy lately that blogging always falls to the bottom of my list of things to do. I am hoping to change that this week! I need to make my writing more of a priority.

I finished up two rounds of the 21 Day Fix and lost almost 20 pounds in those 42 days! I am so proud of myself for how far I have come! I did officially make it into the 140s only a week and a half after my birthday. I still can't believe it some days! I am about 146 pounds currently and I don't always feel that way. Most of the time I still see me at 178 pounds in the mirror. Or in my clothes. I can see the physical changes in my body, but I can also still see the "big" me. I had heard of this happening to other people that have lost weight, but I didn't really understand it until now. Still being about 30 pounds away from my final goal, I am curious to see what it's like once I reach it. I am actually nervous about reaching this goal.

I haven't been in this good of shape ever in my life. I am feeling amazing and I look forward to reaching my goal. Yet at the same time it scares the crap out of me. I think it is funny that the biggest reason I have never met my goal is because if I get too close I get scared. Here's a big moment of honesty: I don't think I have ever really finished anything in my entire life. Other than high school! I get close to reaching what I want and then I let it go before I can achieve it. I am not sure if I am scared of success or what, but I sabotage myself every. single. time. So what makes me so sure that I will succeed this time?

I have the right support. Now I'm not saying I didn't have support in the past. I always have. This time it is the right support. It's my own along with everyone else. For the first time I really believe in myself. I deserve it, and I believe that I deserve it. If you don't believe in it for yourself then you probably won't achieve whatever it is you are striving for. Each and every time I went into "weight loss mode" I believed that I would fail. So I did. This time I believe with every fiber of my being that I will succeed. So I will! I already have! I am not even at my goal weight yet but I am healthier, stronger, and fitter than I have ever been.

All this being said, I have embarked on a new challenge:

 My PiYo program arrived 3 weeks ago and I started it immediately! It is a 60 day program that combines Pilates and Yoga in a fast paced workout. And I LOVE IT! I look forward to working out every day. My running is improving and I FEEL absolutely amazing! This program is going to get me to my goal. I was worried that a 60 day challenge might be too much for me, but once again I believe that I can do it this time. So I know I will. I have the right people around me supporting me along the way. I have the determination to get it done. And I can't WAIT to see my results at the end of 60 days.

I have other goals that I have set for myself. I even created a Vision Board that is now the background on my computer to remind me every day what I am working toward. Each day I write out a list of things for me to do so that I can take baby steps every single day toward achieving them. I will not give up this time! I will succeed, because now I KNOW I CAN!

What size is that?

Shopping has never been a favorite activity of mine. Doesn't matter the type of shopping: clothing, grocery, shoes...you name it and I despised it. So when I realized that I really needed to go clothing shopping I put it off for a month or so. Last Saturday we helped my parents clean out their basement after it flooded and I overheard my mom and sister talking about going shopping. One of things I was dreading about shopping was going alone. So I asked if I could tag along. I LOVE spending time with my mom and sister and it had been quite a while since we were able to spend more than 10 minutes together. So I figured it might be fun in spite of the fact that we were doing one of my least favorite activities.

We met at the mall and I got there first so I stopped at Old Navy. My co-worker loves their workout gear and all my workout pants are too big so I figured it was a good place to start. I grabbed mediums off the rack, a size 8 pair of shorts (!) and a really pretty blue dress. Everything fit like it was made for me! Except the medium shirt was too big and I meant to grab a small but I forgot so I ended up not getting one. But the blue dress was AMAZING:

We then ventured over to Kohl's where I tried on more fun dresses. We discovered that this particular cut looked really good on me. So we kept finding more and more for me to try on. I was grabbing mediums once again because I really thought that is what I would need. My mom found this amazing black dress but the hanger said it was a small. I said I would at least try it on just in case it might fit. I had a BLAST trying on all those dresses! The mediums were all too big, and the smalls were fitting perfectly. The black dress was a tiny bit snug, but knowing I still have more to lose, I got it anyway:

Two of the dresses I found that fit perfectly were a size six! I haven't been a size six since high school! The pair of khaki capris I got were also a size 6. I was just in shock at the sizes I was trying on. I never thought I would ever fit something smaller than an 8. It was unreal to me. I had so much fun finding clothes that I felt great in. I also got some great deals on it all, so it ended up being a great experience! And I had soooo much fun hanging out with my mom and sister.

I got home and was laying out all my new stuff and saw that the belt on the black dress said "2" on it. I thought it must just be a labeling thing and didn't think much of it. When I went to actually hang it up in my closet I saw the tag on the dress that I thought was just a Small was, in fact, a size 2! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!! REALLY?!? Of course I justify it by saying it has to be a bigger size 2, but STILL! I was over the moon when I realized that! Never in my wildest imagination did I EVER think that I would fit that size! And the sad thing is, if we had noticed it was a 2 before I tried it on, I NEVER would have tried it on and I would have missed out!

I have enjoyed wearing my new dresses to work. I have been getting so many compliments and questions about my weight loss. I love having the confidence to wear clothes that make me feel amazing. I had a co-worker ask "what's with all the dresses" and my response is simply "because I can!". I feel great and I think that the way I dress really reflects how I feel about myself. I definitely enjoy my jeans and t-shirts still, and I still prefer to lounge around the house in yoga or compression pants, but I don't do it to hide my body anymore. Everything I wear is somehow flattering to my new shape. I am proud of how I look now. Proud of all the hard work I have put into myself finally coming to fruition. It won't be long before I have to go shopping again, and this time I will not be dreading it in the slightest. In fact, I can't wait to do it again!

A day of rest

I am intentionally skipping my workout tonight and I don't even feel guilty about it!

Part of the venture to seek a healthier me means I need to listen to body when it tells me I need to take a day. As long as it's only a day. I will be back at it tomorrow, picking up right where I left off. The 21 Day Fix doesn't have an actual rest day, only an active rest day where you do yoga. I have learned to really enjoy my day of stretching. However, after 3 weeks straight of no rest days, my body deserves one. So rather than pushing myself into a place that causes me to be frustrated because I am so exhausted I decided to let myself rest tonight. I feel good about this decision. Which is definitely progress for me. Before I would feel guilt-stricken and worry that I would fall off the wagon. Not this time. I know that tomorrow I will be well rested to pick it back up and my body will thank me for it!

I did manage to stay completely on track on my birthday a couple days ago. I was worried I would cave in to some sort of cheat food, but I didn't. I gave myself the greatest gift this year: the gift of health. So we went bowling and even though T and EB had pizza, I had nothing. We went to the movie theater and saw How to Train Your Dragon 2 (AWESOME movie by the way!) and I got water. I ate a very late lunch after we got home and then T made a fabulous supper of walleye, shrimp, and asparagus while I did yoga.

I even got flowers! And of course a turtle! :)

All in all I had a pretty great day. There were some frustrating parts to it, but aren't there always? I managed to get out of my funk and enjoy my day even though it was Father's Day too. I got to spend some extra time with N that evening as well too.

So now I have one more round of the 21 Day Fix to do before PiYo comes out and that will be my program for the remainder of the summer. I am thinking that I will hit my 140s goal by the end of this week, which has me super excited! And I know that PiYo will get me to my ultimate goal by the end of the summer. I just can't wait to see what that looks like! Having not been this size in years, I am almost nervous about what that looks like, but that's for another post!

My Birthday Goal

Every single January for the last 10 years I have set a goal to reach by my birthday which is June 15th. I always think that because I have half the year to get to the goal that I should be able to achieve it. Every year it is exactly the same goal. For 10 years I have failed every single time. I gave up for so many reasons: it was too hard, I can't really reach it because I am not supposed to, I get comfortable where I am at, I don't want to put the work into reaching it. You name it and I used it as an excuse. You would think that eventually I would quit setting the goal, but not me! Every year it was the same thing. And every year I would be frustrated that I could not commit enough to myself to achieve this one "simple" thing.

My goal each and every year is to reach the 140s by my birthday. Sounds easy enough, right? At the beginning of each year I would weigh anywhere between 170-195 and I figured that I could lose that much by my birthday, if I really put my mind to it. The only problem was that I never really fully could put my mind to it. I have tried so many diets, so many programs. Some worked and some didn't. I found that I loved running, but never really stuck to it for a long enough period of time. I couldn't stick to a workout program for longer than 2 weeks. I was fed up with myself, with my own lack of self-control.

This year has been different. I set my goal once again. I was around 180 pounds at the beginning of January. I gave up gluten again (yes, I have a gluten intolerance) which had been an easy way to drop weight in the past. I lost about 5 pounds and then nothing. I went back and forth with it, but I felt so much better when I was off of gluten that eventually I stuck with it. I started running and I started the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. I received a Body Media Fit for Christmas and started tracking everything. Nothing. I was around 170-175 and nothing I did could get me under that. I did a USANA Reset again, which I have had success with in the past. Again nothing changed. People were commenting that I looked great, that I was fading away but I didn't see it because the scale wasn't changing. I was frustrated beyond belief, but this time I DID NOT GIVE UP!

I was on Facebook one day in February and there was a suggested post about a program called the 21 Day Fix. I thought it was a scam so I ignored it. A few days later it was there again, so I left a comment for Colin and he responded with a Facebook message. He asked me all these questions about myself, how much time I had to workout, what I had tried before, and tried to find out if the program would work for me. I loved the idea of it, but when it came down to it, I couldn't afford it. So I told him I had to wait. I put him off for a couple months. Then in April he posted that he was looking for coaches and that he could only take on 4 new coaches to mentor. I was intrigued. I want to help people. I want to show people how to eat healthy, how to BE healthy. How can I do this when I am not there myself? So I messaged him and said I was interested and was now ready to start the program. I have never been so excited and passionate about a decision. I know it was the right choice for me.

Since then I have now completed 2 rounds of the 21 Day Fix. My weigh in after 6 weeks of commitment:

Have I reached my goal of the 140s by my birthday this year? Well, not quite. Am I frustrated by that? HELL NO!!!! I am so excited that I have come this far! I can't wait to continue on and reach my goal within the next couple weeks as I commit to a third round of the 21 Day Fix. I am excited to see how I change as I start the newest program PiYo on July 7th. I am so glad that I didn't give up on myself this time. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be healthy. And today I am definitely both of those. So Happy Birthday to me! I am finally becoming the person I am supposed to be!